"The Onion" Blog

Actual Guitar Hero

A young boy going by the name of Mike Roch of Fargo ND picked up a guitar trying to learn a new instrument. Unfortunately for Roch it was too hard. Hope gleamed in the distance for Roch as a musician named Ben Dover, of Minneapolis, MN, took Roch under his wing. "It was a long journey, and we had some bumps along the way, but it was well worth it" said eight year old Roch as we sat down with him at his home in Fargo. "My biggest worry was doubt. Guitar playing is a passion that you have to love and cherish, so without that, you've already failed" says Dover (38) over the phone, because we couldn't meet up due to a "Spiritual rock cleansing" Dover was attending with his band members. The two boys met at a train station, as Roch was attempting to pull a "Pick of Destiny", the 2003 box office hit, starring Jack Black as a runaway, attempting to become a rock star. "I was late for my train, and needed to know which way to go" Roch explains. "I saw Big Ben on a bench sleeping, he smelled kind of bad, but he was my last chance". "I was past out because of a freakin' awesome party I was at earlier" Dover tells our reporter excitedly. "Little dude told me his story and I knew I could help him become, you know, huge!" Dover and Roch had music lessons every Monday through Thursday at the train station where they met. "It was the best times because I had to stay sober for work at Jimmy Johns" said Dover. The two practiced for about five months before Roch’s mother, Debra Roch followed him after finding out he was not attending his soccer practices. Today Dover is working on his “Rock legacy” as he put it, and avoiding police because of persecution of third degree kidnapping. Dover’s whereabouts are still unknown. Roch, now nine, is still grounded and working on buying a guitar. “He had an extra one I used. I asked if I could have it but Big Ben said no.” Whenever he gets the chance, Roch plays “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple, (Only the intro) and “I’m yours” by Jason Mraz. (Again only the intro) Thanks to Ben Dover, Mike Roch just might be able to start his dream of becoming a rock star.
(If any information on the whereabouts of Ben Dover, please call 911 immediately. Dover is about 5’11, white complexion, and has “Butch was here” on his lower torso)